Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. – William Butler Yeats
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously. – Woody Allen
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! – Homer Simpson
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it. – W. C. Fields
Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. – Darrin Weinberg
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. – Joseph Heller Catch-22, Chapter 9: Major Major Major Major.
There are worse things in life than death. If you’re ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. – Woody Allen
That’s the Irish people all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. – Sean O’Casey
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx
If we see light at the end of the tunnel, It’s the light of the oncoming train. – Robert Lowell Since 1939.
The minute that you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. – Will Rogers
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office. – David Brent
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. – Mark Twain
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday. – Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. – Woody Allen
The Americans will always do the right thing…After they’ve exhausted all the alternatives. – Winston Churchill
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. – Brendan Behan