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Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
– George W. Bush
Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
– William Butler Yeats
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
– Bill Shankly
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
– Lao Tzu
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
– Woody Allen
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
– Homer Simpson
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
– W. C. Fields
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
– Darrin Weinberg
Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.
– Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
– Joseph Heller
There are worse things in life than death. If you’re ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.
That’s the Irish people all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.
– Sean O’Casey
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman.
– Jonathan Swift
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
– William Shakespeare
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
– Groucho Marx
That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
If we see light at the end of the tunnel, It’s the light of the oncoming train.
– Robert Lowell
The minute that you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
– Will Rogers
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
– Madame de Stael
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
– Jilly Cooper
The more I see of the moneyed classes, the more I understand the guillotine.
– George Bernard Shaw
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.
– David Brent
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
– Mark Twain
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Thank God I’m an atheist.
– Luis Bunuel
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The Americans will always do the right thing…After they’ve exhausted all the alternatives.
– Winston Churchill