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Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
– Will Rogers
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
– David Brent
When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
– Brendan Behan
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.
– Woody Allen
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to but they do. They fill up with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
– Philip Larkin
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
– Paul Ehrlich
They misunderestimated me.
– George W. Bush
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
– Jim Bishop
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
– Mahatma Gandhi
When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal.
– Richard Nixon
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
– Helen Rowland
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.
Woe to you lawyers as well! For you weigh men down with burdens hard to bear.
– The Bible
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
– Charles Caleb Colton
You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you’re got music.
– Sid Vicious
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
– Winston Churchill
Men don’t get cellulite. God just might be a man.
– Rita Rudner
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
– Herbert Henry Asquith
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
You’re everywhere. You’re omnivorous.
– Homer Simpson
Women should be obscene and not heard.
– Groucho Marx
You can’t say that civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
– George Bernard Shaw