When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. – Brendan Behan
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years. – Unknown Attributed to Mark Twain, but not found in his works.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce. – Woody Allen
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to but they do. They fill up with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. – Philip Larkin
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. – Jim Bishop
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. – David Brent
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad. – Helen Rowland
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. – Helen Rowland
Woe to you lawyers as well! For you weigh men down with burdens hard to bear. – The Bible Jesus Christ, Luke 11:46.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. – Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. – Woody Allen
You can’t say that civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. – Will Rogers
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. – Bob Phillips