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Never give a sucker an even break.
– W. C. Fields
Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
– Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
– Groucho Marx
My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.
– Les Dawson
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
– Jack Benny
Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
– Janis Joplin
Oh my God, the dead have risen and they’re voting Republican.
– Bart Simpson
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
– Groucho Marx
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
– David Brent
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns
See what will happen if you don’t stop biting your fingernails?
– Will Rogers
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
– Jonathan Swift
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!
Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
– George W. Bush
Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
– William Butler Yeats
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
– Bill Shankly
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
– Lao Tzu
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
– Homer Simpson
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
– Darrin Weinberg
Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.
– Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
– Joseph Heller