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I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
– Woody Allen
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
– Rita Rudner
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
– Spike Milligan
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
– Ronald Reagan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Ed Furgol
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
– Groucho Marx
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
– Winston Churchill
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
– Groucho Marx
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
– Homer Simpson
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
My feelings – as usual – we will slaughter them all.
– Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
– Saddam Hussein
Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
– David Brent
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
– Mark Twain
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
– Bill Vaughan
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives.
– Maurice Chevalier
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
Operator, give me the number for 911!
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.