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It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
– Groucho Marx
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen
It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
– Marilyn Monroe
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
It’s not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
– Lisa Simpson
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
– George Burns
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.
– Joan Rivers
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
It’s worse than dog eats dog. It’s dog doesn’t return dog’s phone calls.
I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
– Rita Rudner
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
– Spike Milligan
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
– Ronald Reagan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Ed Furgol
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
– Winston Churchill
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
– Homer Simpson
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
– George Bernard Shaw
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech – every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante