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Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life’s problems.
– Homer Simpson
He hated it when you called him a moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.
– J. D. Salinger
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
– Groucho Marx
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
– Woody Allen
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
– Ronald Knox
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
– Rudyard Kipling
If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
– David Brent
Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
– W. C. Fields
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
– George Orwell
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
– Rita Rudner
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Another such victory, and we are undone.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
– George Burns
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.
– Sam Goldwyn
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
– Marge Simpson
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!