When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain
Most of the time I don’t have any fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all. – Woody Allen
He hated it when you called him a moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron. – J. D. Salinger The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 6, Holden Caulfield
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. – Groucho Marx
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’. – Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. – Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Ronald Knox
If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. – David Brent
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. – George Orwell Single Commandment written on the wall of the big barn, to replace the Seven Commandments, which Benjamin reads out to Clover, Chapter 10.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. – Woody Allen
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened. – Rita Rudner
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. – Woody Allen
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it. – Woody Allen