Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves. – Brendan Behan
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. – Homer Simpson
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. – Henny Youngman
The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. – Woody Allen
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. – Woody Allen
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. – Groucho Marx
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. – George Bernard Shaw Major Barbara, Act 3, Stephen Undershaft.
He who fights and runs away May live to fight another day; But he who is in battle slain Can never rise and fight again. – Oliver Goldsmith
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? – Woody Allen
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. – Woody Allen
Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times. – Unknown Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. – Joan Rivers