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I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
– Winston Churchill
I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27.
– Clement Atlee
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
– Frank Sinatra
I never met a kid I liked.
– W. C. Fields
I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can’t stand is you.
– Groucho Marx
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
– Homer Simpson
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns
I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
– David Brent
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
– Rita Rudner
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
If it sells, it’s art.
– Frank Lloyd
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
I like children – fried.
I never drink water, fish fuck in it.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no sense being a damn fool about it.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.
– Mark Twain
If there’s one thing America needs, it’s more lawyers.
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.