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Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
– Desmond Morris
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
– W. C. Fields
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
– Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.
– Oliver Goldsmith
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
– Rita Rudner
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
– George Burns
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Communism is like prohibition, it’s a good idea but it won’t work.
– Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
– Spike Milligan
Don’t have a cow, man.
– Bart Simpson
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
– Groucho Marx
Don’t talk to me about Naval tradition! It’s nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
– Winston Churchill
Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
– Homer Simpson
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick.
– Samuel Beckett
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
– Mark Twain
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.
– Brendan Behan
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
– Carl Zwanzig
Eat my shorts.
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– David Brent
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
– Henny Youngman
The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
Epitaph for a dead waiter – God finally caught his eye.
– George S. Kaufman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.