As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen
You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober! – David Brent
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers. – Socrates
Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. – David Brent
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. – Woody Allen
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W. C. Fields
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. – Rita Rudner
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Don’t talk to me about Naval tradition! It’s nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. – Winston Churchill
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? – Woody Allen
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light. – Mark Twain