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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
– Mark Twain
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
– Woody Allen
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
– Desmond Morris
I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
– W. C. Fields
Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
– Homer Simpson
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
– George Bernard Shaw
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs.
– Oliver Goldsmith
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
– Rita Rudner
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
– George Burns
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Communism is like prohibition, it’s a good idea but it won’t work.
– Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
– Spike Milligan
Don’t have a cow, man.
– Bart Simpson
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
– Groucho Marx
Don’t talk to me about Naval tradition! It’s nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
– Winston Churchill
Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick.
– Samuel Beckett
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.
– Brendan Behan
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
– Carl Zwanzig
Eat my shorts.
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– David Brent