If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There’s no sense being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. – Woody Allen
I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. – David Brent
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately. – Mark Twain
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. – David Brent
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail. – David Brent
If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough. – Woody Allen
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. – Jerome K. Jerome
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns
I’m not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. – Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. – Woody Allen
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. – George Burns
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain
It’s the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different. – David Brent
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do. – David Brent