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All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
– Alexander Woollcott
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
– Benjamin Franklin
I love mankind. It’s people I can’t stand.
– Charles M. Schultz
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad? Alice: I’m afraid so; you’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret: all the best people are.
– Alice in Wonderland
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
– Homer Simpson
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
– Winston Churchill
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.
– Albert Einstein
Mr. Right is coming. But he’s in Africa and he’s walking.
– Oprah Winfrey
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
– Chris Rock
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
– Groucho Marx
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
– Elbert Hubbard
Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
– Woody Allen
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Life is better when you’re laughing.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
– Margaret Mead
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say ‘I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.’
– William S. Burroughs
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
– Bob Monkhouse
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
– Mark Twain
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Most of the time I don’t have any fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life’s problems.
He hated it when you called him a moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.
– J. D. Salinger
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
– Isaac Asimov
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips