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There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
– Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
– Mark Russell
The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
– Samuel Johnson
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
– Will Rogers
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
– Salvador Dali
There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
– Bart Simpson
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
– Mark Twain
There’s no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
– Brendan Behan
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
– Benjamin Disraeli
There are three ages of man – youth, middle age, and ‘you’re looking wonderful.’
– Cardinal Francis Spellman
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
– David Brent
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
– Henny Youngman
When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
– J. P. Donleavy
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
– Woody Allen
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
– Groucho Marx
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
– George Burns
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl – she wanted a divorce.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to but they do. They fill up with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.
– Philip Larkin
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
– Albert Einstein
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
– Paul Ehrlich
They misunderestimated me.
– George W. Bush
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
– Jim Bishop
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
– Mahatma Gandhi
When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal.
– Richard Nixon