The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States. – Winston Churchill Stepping from his bath in presence of President Roosevelt.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. – Woody Allen
The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. – Anton Chekhov
There is one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked. – Groucho Marx
There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way. – Hugh Leonard
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men. – George Burns
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. – Woody Allen
My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. – Mia Farrow Crimes and Misdemeanors
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. – Mark Russell
The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully. – Samuel Johnson
There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. – Salvador Dali
There’s no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. – Bart Simpson
There are three ages of man – youth, middle age, and ‘you’re looking wonderful.’ – Cardinal Francis Spellman
What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts. – David Brent
When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland. – J. P. Donleavy The Ginger Man.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. – Woody Allen
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. – George Burns
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this? – David Brent