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Authors: Dr. Gregory House Funny Quotes, House M.D. Quotes, Top Houseisms
House MD Quotes 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Cuddy: What are you doing here? A patient?
House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.
House, M.D.

House: The cutest little tennis outfit. [Noticing Cuddy] Oh, so sorry. How embarrassing.
House, M.D.

House: Takes one to know one, loser....wait that means I'm a loser..scratch that.
House, M.D.

House [to Cuddy]: Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?
House, M.D.

House: Dr.Cuddy - The face that launched a thousand long faces.
House, M.D.

House: Continue to say nothing if you agree.
House, M.D.

House: I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
House, M.D.

Wilson: If you need to talk, if you need more help, I'm right here.
House: Great. Can you be 'right here' somewhere else?
House, M.D.

House: Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.
House, M.D.

House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin.
House, M.D.

House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a- I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
House, M.D.

House: Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite.
House, M.D.

House: Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.
House, M.D.

House: New is good. Because old ended in death.
House, M.D.

House: If I forget about her, can I have my carpet back?
Cuddy: NO!
House: If I forget about the carpet, can I have her?
House, M.D.

Girl: In Iceland, the age of consent is 15.
House: I'm surprised tourism isn't a bigger industry there.
House, M.D.

Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really really slowly? It makes this sound...Almost like a scream.... Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
House, M.D.

House: Almost dying changes nothing, dying changes everything.
House, M.D.

House: CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!
House, M.D.

House: Faith; that's another word for ignorance, isn't it? I've never understood how people can be so proud of believing in something with no proof at all, like that's an achievement.
House, M.D.

House [to Cuddy]: That top makes you look like an afgani prostitute.
House, M.D.

House: Whatever floats your poop!
House, M.D.

House: Husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.
Dr. Cameron: And . . . ?
House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable.
House, M.D.

Thirteen: She's not a liar.
House: Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.
House, M.D.

Caring Student: It's the patient's call.
Rebellious Student: The patient's an idiot.
House: They usually are.
House, M.D.

House [to Foreman]: Did you get a raise? Because then you're a whore. Or you didn't, because then you're a stupid whore.
House, M.D.

House: I’ll give you the same medicine we give Republicans.
House, M.D.

House: (to Chinese mother about daughter) Not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer, is she?
House, M.D.

Dr. Wilson: Of course you're type AB. Universal recipient. You take from everybody.
House: Course, you're Type O, Universal Donor. No wonder you're paying three alimonies.
House, M.D.
House MD Quotes 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
House (also known as House, M.D.): American TV medical drama that debuted on Fox network on November 16, 2004. Central character is Dr. Gregory House (played by Hugh Laurie), noted for his sarcastic wit and cutting one-liners. Other characters include Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dr. James Wilson and Dr. Allison Cameron.



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