In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft.
– H. L. Mencken
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out… without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.
To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
Don’t overestimate the decency of the human race.
All government, of course, is against liberty.
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.
Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
There is always an easy solution to every problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body.
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That’s the way the mind of man operates.