It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up
who.
Joan Rivers |
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers |
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get
letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Rivers |
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot
to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere.
It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers |
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are
my group therapy.
Joan Rivers |
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers |
No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined.
No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled.
No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.
Joan Rivers |
Once you begin to believe there is help "out there,"
you will know it to be true.
Joan Rivers |
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,
and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers |
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She
thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers |
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