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It is better to know nothing than to know what ain’t so.
– Josh Billings
If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.
It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.
Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words.
The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.
There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.
Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain’t so wicked as their neighbors.
If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.
Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.
A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
No one can disgrace us but ourselves.
Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain’t got.
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.
The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so.
Genius ain’t anything more than elegant common sense.
Remember the poor, it costs nothing.
I haven’t got as much money as some folks, but I’ve got as much impudence as any of them, and that’s the next thing to money.
Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.
If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.
A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
It ain’t often that a man’s reputation outlasts his money.
The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain’t gout.
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
Don’t ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.
Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.