It’s feast or famine in showbiz.
– Joan Rivers
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
I’ve learned you don’t always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
I’m grateful for every day I’m still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it’s the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Show business is – you’re there by somebody’s fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you’re fine. I’d do anything. There’s so much I want to do.
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be.
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don’t know where the next job is going to come from.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn’t have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that’s what death is – without waking up to someone clapping and going, ‘Joan, wake up, it’s all over and you’re looking pretty’.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
You’ve gotta understand – when you interview someone, it’s not an interrogation. It’s not the Nuremberg Trials.
It’s like, God, I’m in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, ‘How young?’ They’re going to say she had a great ride.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.