Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. – Joan Rivers
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day. – Joan Rivers
I didn’t want to do ‘Fashion Police’ because I thought, ‘This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?’ It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew? – Joan Rivers
What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care. – Joan Rivers
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can’t change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can’t change what happened. – Joan Rivers
If you’re saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that’s acting. – Joan Rivers
When I am on E! for the ‘Fashion Police,’ I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends. – Joan Rivers
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It’s only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they’re reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I. – Joan Rivers
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. – Joan Rivers
I’ve learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they’re signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss – no matter what they tell you. – Joan Rivers
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken’s vote. – Joan Rivers
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. – Joan Rivers
I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented. – Joan Rivers
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn’t there, find a new favorite. – Joan Rivers
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck. – Joan Rivers
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There’s no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he’s doing an acting job. – Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. – Joan Rivers
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman… I met Harry Truman… But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me. – Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’ – Joan Rivers
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It’s just fun. – Joan Rivers