Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
– Jeff Foxworthy
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn’t really make me mad any more.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I’ve got four more summers with her. I’m not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn’t tell their therapist.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o’clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don’t know why there’s this big rush to do this.
I know God is real.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That’s always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
You may be a redneck if… your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn’t go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
I don’t know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan’s Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
It’s a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it’s God first, friends and family second and you third, we won’t ever have an argument.
You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don’t want to give two or three more hours away.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.’
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers… I don’t remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, ’cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
The designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.