Room service? Send up a larger room.
– Groucho Marx
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.