Peter Griffin [watching TV with Meg]: Who needs Brian? I have
you to hang with me. [Starts talking to Meg like a dog as he's
pointing at the TV.] Who that? Who that? Is that a dog, is it?
Is that a dog right there? Look, see, see, Meg? Go get it! See?
See the dog on TV? Who's the dog on TV?
Meg Griffin [yells at Peter]: I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!!!
Family Guy |
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the
lesbian sister of biology.
Family Guy |
Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important
part of a physical for a man your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fucking idiot.
Family Guy |
Lois Griffin: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter Griffin: What?
Doctor [revealing comic he was reading]: Oh, Hagar the Horrible,
if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant
turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical
results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr
Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately,
I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter Griffin: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.
Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now
onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin,
that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll
get dry. Now-
Lois Griffin: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick..
Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
Family Guy |
Lois Griffin: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance
my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become
a model!
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure
myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me too!
Meg Griffin: Me too!
Peter Griffin: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg Griffin [shrugs]: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out! Get out of this house!
[Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.]
Peter Griffin: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!
[Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.]
Peter Griffin: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.
Family Guy |