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One-Liners - Funny One-Liners, One-Liner
|One Liners A-G H-K
|100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
43% of all statistics are worthless.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's
complexion seem what it ain't.
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
- Joseph Stalin
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirtsG
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have
to eat them.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Between two evils always pick the one you haven't tried.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the
dark make children.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore
I think that I am.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Crime doesn't pay· does that mean my job is a crime?
Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for
a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. -
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your
Don't follow me, I'm lost too.
Don't let yesterday use up to much of today. - Cherokee
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark
side and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- John Benfield
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
Everybody has a plan, 'till they get hit. - Mike
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then
it's not the end.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde
Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time
more intelligently. - Henry Ford
Failure teaches success.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure.
- Mark Twain
First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small
minds discuss people.
Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre
minds. - Albert Einstein
|One Liners A-G H-K
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