|Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three
year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time
to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin'
because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I
had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all
kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things
fillin' that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to
lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
|Peter Griffin [holding crying baby after Carol has given birth]:
It's a beautiful baby girl!
Carol Pewterschmidt: Ooh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
Peter Griffin: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do something
about that [Picks up scalpel.]
Lois Griffin [taking scalpel away]: Peter, no! It's a boy.
|Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water,
it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid!
What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't
have to bite you!
|Lois Griffin [trying to feed Stewie broccoli airplane style]:
Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn
the Wright brothers!
Lois Griffin: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well then. L...
[Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits
Stewie Griffin: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois Griffin: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you
don't like it.
Stewie Griffin: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli
|Lois Griffin [reading Meg's diary with rest of family gathered
around]: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the
yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves. [Laughter]
Meg Griffin: [Walks into the room] Hey what's everyone... Oh
my God! You're reading my diary! I HATE YOU ALL! WHAAAAAAA!
[Runs away crying]
Peter: [Opens beer] Keep going!
|Meg Griffin: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois Griffin: Don't worry kids I promise we can visit him once
Chris Griffin: We'll be his period.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties.
Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg Griffin: My what?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that
says "Little Slut." That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star"
and another that says "Sperm Dumpster." And they're
all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Lois Griffin: That's the spirit.
|Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years.
Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with
your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
|Lois Griffin: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here,
hold the rest of these bags for mommy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny
infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself
just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from
[Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.] I'm
going to do it! [Tries to put bag over left side of his head
then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.] BLAST!
Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!