I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. – Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ – Steven Wright
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it. – Steven Wright
It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet. – Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. – Steven Wright
I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. – Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. – Steven Wright
I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house. – Steven Wright
What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny. – Steven Wright
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? – Steven Wright
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. – Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot. – Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ – Steven Wright
I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me. – Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written. – Steven Wright
I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4. – Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright