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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
– Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.