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Pain is the question mark turned like a fishhook in the human heart.
– Peter De Vries
The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.
A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff – it is a palliative rather than a remedy.
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe.
We must love one another, yes, yes, that’s all true enough, but nothing says we have to like each other.
Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.
The rich aren’t like us, they pay less taxes.
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
Everybody hates me because I’m so universally liked.
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
I write when I’m inspired, and I see to it that I’m inspired at nine o’clock every morning.
Celibacy is the worst form of self-abuse.
Murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.
It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.
Words fashioned with somewhat over precise diction are like shapes turned out by a cookie cutter.
I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.