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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
– Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!