For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don’t have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That’s not what I think; that’s what married people think. – Lewis Black
I’ve been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it’s nice, if you’ve put in the time, to achieve that recognition. – Lewis Black
What I’ve found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don’t know how to socialize. I don’t want to deal with that group. – Lewis Black
One of the interesting things about comedy is it’s tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. – Lewis Black
If you’re going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not ‘Harry Potter?’ – Lewis Black
You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they’re all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. – Lewis Black
I don’t understand how anybody’s still a Democrat or a Republican. I don’t know what they’re basing it on. – Lewis Black
Saying that the Palestinian people aren’t really a people – that’s not a zany thing to say. That’s a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis. – Lewis Black
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. – Lewis Black
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you’re fine. – Lewis Black
I’ve always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time. – Lewis Black
Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. – Lewis Black
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope. – Lewis Black
Harry Reid is not funny; he’s creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. – Lewis Black
You don’t want another Enron? Here’s your law: If a company, can’t explain, in one sentence, what it does… it’s illegal. – Lewis Black
In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants. – Lewis Black
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges – they like it because I go after them. They’ll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. – Lewis Black
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I’ve been on the road. – Lewis Black
Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app! – Lewis Black
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich. – Lewis Black
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it’s impossible; it’s like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it’s done. And by the time you get it in, it’s done and you’re sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn’t do. I mean, writing isn’t fun. It’s never been fun. – Lewis Black
I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I’m in the South. I talk fast, and they’re not used to people talking that fast. – Lewis Black
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape. – Lewis Black