I don’t drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin. – Joe E. Lewis
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. – Joe E. Lewis
I’ve been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points. – Joe E. Lewis
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people. – Joe E. Lewis
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses. – Joe E. Lewis
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty. – Joe E. Lewis
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on. – Joe E. Lewis