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I drink to forget I drink.
– Joe E. Lewis
Show me a friend in need and I’ll show you a pest.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
I don’t drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
I’ve been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
There’s only one thing money won’t buy, and that is poverty.
You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
I would take a bomb, but I can’t stand the noise.
It doesn’t matter whether you are rich or poor – as long as you’ve got money.
I’m still chasing girls. I don’t remember what for, but I’m still chasing them.
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.