(C) AllGreatQuotes. All Rights Reserved.
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.
If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.
When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I’d get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.
I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Stand-up is hard.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.
When you make a TV show, they always say you’re a guest in someone’s home. Online, you’re a guest in someone’s face. So that’s why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I’m in your face.
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.
I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it’s kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the ’60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.
I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
We’ve fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
I have this old ’57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I’ll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, ‘cluh-CLICK-click.’ That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that’s what I’m into.
A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’