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Pride and Prejudice
The Great Gatsby
Hamlet
Of Mice and Men
Frankenstein

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.

– Jerry Seinfeld

If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.

– Jerry Seinfeld

When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I’d get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-up is hard.

– Jerry Seinfeld

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.

– Jerry Seinfeld

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

– Jerry Seinfeld

When you make a TV show, they always say you’re a guest in someone’s home. Online, you’re a guest in someone’s face. So that’s why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I’m in your face.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

– Jerry Seinfeld

A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it’s kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the ’60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.

– Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’

– Jerry Seinfeld

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

– Jerry Seinfeld

We’ve fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.

– Jerry Seinfeld

We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

– Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

– Jerry Seinfeld

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

– Jerry Seinfeld

I have this old ’57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I’ll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, ‘cluh-CLICK-click.’ That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that’s what I’m into.

– Jerry Seinfeld

A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

– Jerry Seinfeld

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’

– Jerry Seinfeld

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