Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
– Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.