Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny. – Gilbert Gottfried
My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle’s hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don’t get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street. – Gilbert Gottfried
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words – they work ‘blue.’ If you don’t want to hear a joke that’s blue, you shouldn’t go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing. – Gilbert Gottfried
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I’ve given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. – Gilbert Gottfried
A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, ‘Wait a minute. This apartment doesn’t have a ceiling.’ The landlord answers, ‘That’s OK. The people upstairs don’t walk around that much.’ – Gilbert Gottfried
With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it. – Gilbert Gottfried
I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive. – Gilbert Gottfried
I’ve never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. – Gilbert Gottfried
I’d like to have a kid, but I’d probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I’d totally screw up like that. – Gilbert Gottfried
Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, ‘Ouch.’ One day I’d like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews. – Gilbert Gottfried
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood. – Gilbert Gottfried
I always feel that most political jokes, if you’re going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they’re outdated. By the time you’ve got it to the point that it’s strong, it would be 12 years old. – Gilbert Gottfried
My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young. – Gilbert Gottfried
There are times when I’ve had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, ‘Wow, that would never work,’ even before I did it in front of the audience. – Gilbert Gottfried
I’ve never understood people who say they’re not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he’s not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean? – Gilbert Gottfried