Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. – George Carlin
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect. – George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? – George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. – George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. – George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. – George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. – George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories. – George Carlin