It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. – George Burns
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. – George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. – George Burns
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. – George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked. – George Burns
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it. – George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. – George Burns
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. – George Burns
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. – George Burns