Dogs are not people. Be leery of any woman who refers to her dogs as her ‘kids,’ because you’ll only end up paying for their schooling. – Garry Shandling
I feel that everything I do in my life I can do in a shorter time than most men can. It’s the quality, not the quantity. – Garry Shandling
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders. – Garry Shandling
It’s not the hair on your head that matters. It’s the kind of hair you have inside. – Garry Shandling
I started boxing for exercise, and on the very first day, the trainer got in the ring with me and said, ‘Whoever controls the breathing in the ring controls the fight.’ I immediately passed out. – Garry Shandling
Nice guys finish first. If you don’t know that, then you don’t know where the finish line is. – Garry Shandling
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show. – Garry Shandling
When I don’t have a good time, it’s usually because there’s a stiffness that stifles creativity. – Garry Shandling
It takes me so long to get tired of a man. It’s women that are the problem. Don’t get me wrong. I think men have their problems just as much as women. – Garry Shandling
When I give notes on a script, I say, ‘Guys, I may drift, but it’s part of the process.’ So I’m aware that I’m drifting, but I’m grabbing a lot of stuff. – Garry Shandling
I think it’s one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there’s so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large. – Garry Shandling
I actually think I’m more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn’t pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session. – Garry Shandling
I’ve never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I’ve done a lot of stuff. I don’t know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I’ll tell you, he wasn’t bad. – Garry Shandling
Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn’t go out with. – Garry Shandling
I may discuss love, and I don’t mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn’t handle two. – Garry Shandling
Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don’t know me, so who cares what they think? – Garry Shandling
I have this very abstract idea in my head. I wouldn’t even want to call it stand-up, because stand-up conjures in one’s mind a comedian with a microphone standing onstage under a spotlight telling jokes to an audience. The direction I’m going in is eventually, you won’t know if it’s a joke or not. – Garry Shandling