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I lapsed into rude.
– Dennis Miller
America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.
Somebody can say they don’t understand why somebody drifts. But I’ve always found people who drift interesting, ’cause it shows me the game’s not stagnant in their own head. They’re thinking.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don’t pay attention.
The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
I rant, therefore I am.
I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
I want to help the helpless, but I don’t want to help the clueless.
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.
The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don’t find these weapons of mass destruction. It’s enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.