It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan? – David Letterman
Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. – David Letterman
There’s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe – because I’ve done a little of this myself – pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. – David Letterman
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. – David Letterman
There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives. – David Letterman
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. – David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. – David Letterman
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets. – David Letterman
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. – David Letterman
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? – David Letterman
The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. – David Letterman
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. – David Letterman
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? – David Letterman
People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. – David Letterman
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. – David Letterman
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves. – David Letterman
There’s not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn’t enjoy a tasty beverage. – David Letterman
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either. – David Letterman