We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. – Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. – Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. – Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there’s a good chance that nobody is reading my column. – Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Dave Barry
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. – Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. – Dave Barry
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. – Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. – Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. – Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. – Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. – Dave Barry
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. – Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins. – Dave Barry
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. – Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. – Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. – Dave Barry
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. – Dave Barry