Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. – Dave Attell
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. – Dave Attell
What’s the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. – Dave Attell
I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. – Dave Attell
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it. – Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. – Dave Attell
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! – Dave Attell
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended. – Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on. – Dave Attell
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike. – Dave Attell
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs. – Dave Attell
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing. – Dave Attell
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. – Dave Attell
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they’re, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes. – Dave Attell