Compare sending someone a text message and getting a love letter delivered by carrier pigeon. No contest. – Bryan Callen
Some comics really thrive on being disrespectful, especially toward women, and it’s somehow understood as edgy, but I’m the opposite. I’ve never liked curse words for that reason. – Bryan Callen
One of the beautiful things about podcasting is that I’m not beholding to some public entity. – Bryan Callen
You go into an audition, you’re either the one or you’re not, and if you’re not, you go home. And I kind of like that. If you’re really good, and you’re the best guy in the room that day, you get the job. – Bryan Callen
Women find men attractive who are aggressive… but later on, they get worried that that aggression, that alpha energy, is going to be turned back against them and their children. – Bryan Callen
If you actually get down to the nitty-gritty of the average Pakistani, the average Indian, the average whoever, what you really do know emotionally is that they’re exactly the same. – Bryan Callen
Stand-up comedy is all you. It’s your show, it’s your game. You control every aspect of it – of that experience and that expression. There’s really nothing quite as satisfying. – Bryan Callen
If you’re the Rolling Stones, you can sing ‘Start Me Up’ for 35 years, and people still cheer. – Bryan Callen
Guys want a 500 horsepower car. I’d rather have one horsepower – in a horse. That’s macho. You go to pick up your date and you show up on a horse. – Bryan Callen
I guess I am attracted to older women. I’m looking for a 40-something who has had her heart broken two or three hundred times. She’s going to be fun! – Bryan Callen
I’ve always wanted to be a brooding, deep, dark artist, but I can never keep that facade going for more than 15 minutes. – Bryan Callen
My dad’s idea of punishment was to dress me up in all green to disguise me as grass, and then throw me in the pasture. Cows bit me all over. – Bryan Callen