A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
– Bob Hope
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.
I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.
They’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.