My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are… the ones breaking into your house. – Bill Engvall
I learned that you don’t take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that’s stupid because I don’t go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. – Bill Engvall
I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That’s a good time-killer. – Bill Engvall
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair. – Bill Engvall
It’s funny: people who meet me say, ‘I thought you’d be different.’ But I’m still the same guy. – Bill Engvall
I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn’t stop myself. I asked the stupid question. ‘You lock your keys in the car?’ ‘Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.’ – Bill Engvall
The one thing people like about my show is it’s universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, ‘Something like that happened to me.’ – Bill Engvall
No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it’s all in code in a language I totally don’t understand. – Bill Engvall
Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I’m good. – Bill Engvall
I have been passed over on some things because people didn’t think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here. – Bill Engvall
I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn’t like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. – Bill Engvall
People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don’t want to turn on the TV and say, ‘What is this crap?’ – Bill Engvall
If you’re just a nice guy – you don’t let people walk on you – but if you’re just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. – Bill Engvall
I’m a California Angels fan because that’s the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. – Bill Engvall
I’d like to see the Amazon rainforests before they’re all gone, and also the Galapagos – that’s another one I’d like to do. I’d love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I’d like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. – Bill Engvall