Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
– Ambrose Bierce
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
When you doubt, abstain.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man’s choice, and is highly prized.
Erudition – dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.