Performing is just standing up there and doing something. Performance takes on an edge to it. It has a more dramatic context. – Alan King
I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special. – Alan King
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator… Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke. – Alan King
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them. – Alan King
As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself. – Alan King
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something. – Alan King
Right when I started in show… Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe’s State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, ‘That’s who I want to be; that’s what I want to be.’ – Alan King
There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’ – Alan King
Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens? – Alan King
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going. – Alan King
Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that ‘I want to convert.’ Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: ‘Better one of them should die than one of us.’ – Alan King
My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins. – Alan King
Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom. – Alan King
One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’ – Alan King
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny. – Alan King
Age, style, where you come from, where you were born, it’s different every time, which, to me, is refreshing because it says that there isn’t any one thing, one formula or kind of character that makes a great comedian. Everybody has had a different approach. – Alan King
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails. – Alan King