My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
David Brent

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Author Unknown

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
Aristotle

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Rita Rudner

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
Bill Vaughan

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

Oh my God, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Bart Simpson

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Janis Joplin

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
Woody Allen

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier
On 77th birthday.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx

Operator, give me the number for 911!
Homer Simpson

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Oscar Wilde

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
David Brent

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
David Brent

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
George W Bush

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
David Brent

Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
David Brent

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
Mae West

See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Will Rogers
To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Sex is an emotion in motion.
Mae West

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Woody Allen

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
Jonathan Swift