There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
Winston Churchill

There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.
Mae West

There are three ages of man - youth, middle age, and 'you're looking wonderful.'
Cardinal Francis Spellman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. If you're ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.
Woody Allen

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
Groucho Marx

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
Salvador Dali

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Hugh Leonard

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
Will Rogers

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
George Burns

There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
Brendan Behan

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Bart Simpson

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
Philip Larkin

They misunderestimated me.
George W Bush

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx

To err is human - but it feels divine.
Mae West

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul Ehrlich

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Oscar Wilde

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Mae West

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
Will Rogers

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
David Brent

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
David Brent

When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
Brendan Behan

When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
J. P. Donleavy
In The Ginger Man.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
Author Unknown
Attributed to Mark Twain, but not found in his works.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
Woody Allen

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.
Oscar Wilde