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Quotes of the Week - May 5, 2008:
"I am so sorry. I had no idea." -- Elizabeth Fritzl, mother of the girl kept prisoner in a basement in Austria by her father for 24 years.

"Some of the comments that Rev Wright has made offend me, and I understand why they offend the American people. He does not speak for me. He does not speak for the American people." -- Barack Obama on his old pastor.

"I am sure I had it. It's why men want to bonk everything that moves ." -- Singer Chris de Burgh explaining how a mid-life crisis made him want to have sex with his children's nanny.

Hillary Clinton is talking tough. She said if Israel is ever attacked by Iran, she would obliterate Iran. Although, she does admire the Iranians for stoning adulterers. -- Chatshow host Jay Leno.

Topic: Funny Quotes Quotations - Famous Funny Quotes, Sayings, Greetings

Send Funny eCards Greetings to a friend - Select from funny quotes below

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order... -- Spike Milligan
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are... -- Jerome K. Jerome
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as... -- Woody Allen
It is most unwise for people in love to marry... -- George Bernard Shaw
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things... -- Oscar Wilde
It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the... -- Oscar Wilde
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember... -- George Burns
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom... -- Joan Rivers
It's better to be looked over than overlooked... -- Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men... -- Mae West
It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't... -- Arthur Gore
It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on... -- Marilyn Monroe, on posing nude
It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it... -- Mae West
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when... -- George Burns
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch... -- Lisa Simpson
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens... -- Woody Allen
It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo... -- David Brent
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls... -- Woody Allen
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you... -- Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it... -- Groucho Marx
I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me... -- Woody Allen
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition... -- David Brent
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen... -- Mark Twain
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow... -- Homer Simpson
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable... -- Woody Allen
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day... -- Homer Simpson
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache... -- Mae West
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage... -- Ambrose Bierce
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises... -- Woody Allen
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female... -- Rita Rudner
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also... -- Homer Simpson
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution... -- Mae West
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation... -- George Bernard Shaw
Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different... -- Mae West
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need... -- Rita Rudner
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out... -- Rita Rudner
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved... -- Rita Rudner
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced... -- Rita Rudner
Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself... -- Mae West
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms... -- Groucho Marx
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant... -- Spike Milligan
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy... -- Spike Milligan
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons... -- Woody Allen
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to... -- Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any... -- Woody Allen
Mr. Right is coming. But He's in Africa and he's walking... -- Oprah Winfrey
My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken... -- Woody Allen
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic... -- Spike Milligan
My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all... -- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which... -- Ronald Reagan
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying... -- Ed Furgol
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one... -- Groucho Marx
My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to... -- Saddam Hussein
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else... -- Woody Allen
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite... -- Woody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage... -- Winston Churchill
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she... -- Jimmy Durante
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects... -- Les Dawson
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once... -- Jack Benny
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow... -- David Brent
Never give a sucker an even break... -- W. C. Fields
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is... -- Winston Churchill
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness... -- Aristotle
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly... -- Rita Rudner
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends... -- Woody Allen
Nothing succeeds like excess... -- Oscar Wilde
Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists... -- Bill Vaughan
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican... -- Lisa Simpson
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz... -- Janis Joplin
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love... -- Woody Allen
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives... -- Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done... -- Woody Allen
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups... -- Alex Levine
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women... -- Groucho Marx
Operator, give me the number for 911... -- Homer Simpson
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse... -- Groucho Marx
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will... -- Groucho Marx
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best... -- Oscar Wilde
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does... -- Groucho Marx
Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly... -- David Brent
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are... -- David Brent
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning... -- George W Bush
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability... -- David Brent
Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3... -- David Brent
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast... -- Woody Allen
Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is... -- Darrin Weinberg
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year... -- Victor Borge
Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins... -- Mae West
See what will happen if you don't stop… -- Will Rogers, to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it... -- Woody Allen

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