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Quotes of the Week - May 5, 2008:
"I am so sorry. I had no idea." -- Elizabeth Fritzl, mother of the girl kept prisoner in a basement in Austria by her father for 24 years.

"Some of the comments that Rev Wright has made offend me, and I understand why they offend the American people. He does not speak for me. He does not speak for the American people." -- Barack Obama on his old pastor.

"I am sure I had it. It's why men want to bonk everything that moves ." -- Singer Chris de Burgh explaining how a mid-life crisis made him want to have sex with his children's nanny.

Hillary Clinton is talking tough. She said if Israel is ever attacked by Iran, she would obliterate Iran. Although, she does admire the Iranians for stoning adulterers. -- Chatshow host Jay Leno.

Topic: Funny Quotes - Famous Funny Quotes, Funniest Sayings, Quotations

Send Funny Greeting Cards to a friend - Select from Funny Quotes below

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is… -- Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me... -- Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl go to bed with... -- Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to... -- Ronald Knox
A hard man is good to find... -- Mae West
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire... -- Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's... -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in the house is worth two in the street... -- Mae West
A man's only as old as the woman he feels... -- Groucho Marx
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on... -- Sam Goldwyn
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to... -- W.C. Fields
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke... -- Rudyard Kipling
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are... -- Dilbert
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it... -- George Burns
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will... -- Homer Simpson
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die... -- Homer Simpson
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others... -- George Orwell
All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or... -- Alexander Woollcott
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man... -- Oscar Wilde
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then... -- Mark Twain
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed... -- Winston Churchill
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much... -- Oscar Wilde
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away... -- Mae West
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy... -- Woody Allen
Another such victory, and we are undone... -- Pyrrhus
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot... -- Groucho Marx
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly... -- Mae West
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because... -- Woody Allen
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies... -- Oliver Goldsmith
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the... -- David Brent
Bart, stop pestering Satan!… -- Marge Simpson
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of... -- Homer Simpson
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come... -- Woody Allen
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint... -- Mark Twain
Beer is living proof that God loves us to be happy... -- Benjamin Franklin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before... -- Mae West
Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to... -- Desmond Morris
But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it... -- George Bernard Shaw
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get... -- Socrates
Chanel No. 5... -- Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble... -- Socrates
Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off... -- Ralph Bus
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on... -- Mark Twain
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work... -- Will Rogers
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion... -- Spike Milligan
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done... -- Brendan Behan
Dancing: the vertical expression of horizontal desire... -- George Bernard Shaw
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock... -- Will Rogers
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman... -- George Burns
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love... -- Woody Allen
Don't have a cow, man... -- Bart Simpson
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer... -- Mae West
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's... -- Groucho Marx
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for... -- Mae West
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy... -- Winston Churchill
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of... -- Woody Allen
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... -- Homer Simpson
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do... -- Homer Simpson
Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick... -- Samuel Beckett
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it... -- Oprah Winfrey
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines... -- David Brent
Eat my shorts... -- Bart Simpson
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England… -- Homer Simpson
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye... -- George S. Kaufman
Eternity is really long, especially near the end... -- Woody Allen
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there... -- Will Rogers
Every man over forty is a scoundrel... -- George Bernard Shaw
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything... -- Charles D. Warner
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else... -- Will Rogers
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes... -- Oscar Wilde
First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging... -- Denis Healey
Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate... -- Oscar Wilde
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce... -- Woody Allen
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names... -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was... -- Groucho Marx
Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you... -- Mae West
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet... -- Saint Augustine
Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times... -- Anonymous
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere... -- Mae West
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from... -- Will Rogers
'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'... -- Mae West
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner... -- Woody Allen
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That... -- George Bernard Shaw
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool... -- Groucho Marx
He who can does. He who cannot, teaches... -- George Bernard Shaw
He who fights and runs away May live to fight another day... -- Oliver Goldsmith
He who hesitates is a damned fool... -- Mae West
He who hesitates is last... -- Mae West
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the... -- George Bernard Shaw
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems... -- Homer Simpson

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