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Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
– Erma Bombeck
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.