Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows. Marriage does.
Groucho Marx

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

Marriage is like the witness protection program: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
Jeremy Hardy

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
George Bernard Shaw

If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
Oscar Wilde

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

When a woman gets married, it's like jumping into a hole in the ice in the middle of winter. You do it once and you remember it the rest of your days.
Maxim Gorky

Dammit, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.
Oscar Wilde
An Ideal Husband.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Anonymous

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'.
Herbert Spencer

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Minnie Pearl

In married life three is company and two is none.
Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest.

I say we will have no more marriages.
William Shakespeare
Hamlet.

Here's to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
Heinrich Heine

No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.
Oscar Wilde
The Importance of being Earnest.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
Carrie P. Snow

Tolerance is the one essential ingredient … You can take it from me that the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.
Prince Philip
Duke of Edinburgh's recipe for a happy marriage.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.
Thornton Wilder
The Merchant of Yonkers.

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
Grace Hansen

Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
Oscar Wilde
A Woman of No Importance.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
Lewis Grizzard

The longest sentence you can form with two words is 'I do'.
H. L. Mencken

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavran

Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.
Malcolm Bradbury
The History Man.

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.
Elbert Hubbard

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.
Alexandre Dumas

I can't mate in captivity.
Gloria Steinem
On being asked why she hadn't married.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
G. K. Chesterton

I married beneath me - all women do.
Nancy Astor

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
Marie Corelli

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
Joey Adams

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Anonymous

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
Jean Kerr

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
Max Kauffmann

They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood